I lose everything. You know that phrase "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"? Well, apart from missing my Blackberry, iPod, my other iPod, phone, wallet, concert ticket etc, I do miss my mind the most. When did I become so fucking depressive and happy at the same time? I'm a different person when the day starts than when it ends. I end my day terrified of what is going to happen inside of me tomorrow, when will I feel happy, when will I have to pretend I'm happy, and when will I won't be able to do anything but wallow in my unhappiness?
I am the biggest drama queen there exists. I make a world out of nothing. But that is exactly my problem. I am so exaggerated when something goes wrong the cracked pillars upon which my mind is assented break into a thousand pieces. My whole life deserves Bon Iver in the background, for good an for bad. My life is as melancholic and cloudy and as light-hearted and free as any song of theirs. I am both at peace and in the eye of the storm. Peace is my favourite word, one I cannot live without because it holds such deep, profound meaning for me that the mere thought of the word and what it conveys in my heart makes me feel better. I wish I was always at peace, alas, unfortunately, I am the perfect (or imperfect?) balance between chaos and the feeling of floating in the air in the middle of the night listening to the silence.
If I do put it in perspective, I love being both floating and swimming in the air of the fantasy world I create for myself and at chaos and constant fight with everything I do. But I give so much of myself to something it kills me when it doesn't come out how I wanted. Or that I stress and push myself so much I go beyond my limit and fall off a cliff and land face down. I wish I could find the real perfect balance. I don't ask to always be happy, but I really don't want to feel this way any more.
Any of you who read this will probably think I am the most melodramatic person you've seen. And I am, but I feel that with a reason. I don't know, I'm trying to live with the fact that every lovely moment is fleeting, and, essentially, fleeing away from me, as I do not know how to enjoy them to their fullest.