Friday, 2 December 2011

Blindsided


It's difficult, amidst all the chaos that sometimes surrounds one's life, to put things in perspective and order your thoughts accordingly. I am a mess. I swear to the Gods that my bipolarity is real, but mostly because I always have hope the world loves me and it lets me down, time and time again. In truth, I let down myself. I am afraid I am mediocre at almost everything. I used to stand out in the crowd because the crowd I was surrounded by was different to me. I've always been different. And now, I feel like I am just like everyone else, except stuck in the black hole in which I live, where I get mentally blocked when I feel stress creeping into my body, where I feel insane because I cannot believe I am so forgetful.

I lose everything. You know that phrase "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"? Well, apart from missing my Blackberry, iPod, my other iPod, phone, wallet, concert ticket etc, I do miss my mind the most. When did I become so fucking depressive and happy at the same time? I'm a different person when the day starts than when it ends. I end my day terrified of what is going to happen inside of me tomorrow, when will I feel happy, when will I have to pretend I'm happy, and when will I won't be able to do anything but wallow in my unhappiness?

I am the biggest drama queen there exists. I make a world out of nothing. But that is exactly my problem. I am so exaggerated when something goes wrong the cracked pillars upon which my mind is assented break into a thousand pieces. My whole life deserves Bon Iver in the background, for good an for bad. My life is as melancholic and cloudy and as light-hearted and free as any song of theirs. I am both at peace and in the eye of the storm. Peace is my favourite word, one I cannot live without because it holds such deep, profound meaning for me that the mere thought of the word and what it conveys in my heart makes me feel better. I wish I was always at peace, alas, unfortunately, I am the perfect (or imperfect?) balance between chaos and the feeling of floating in the air in the middle of the night listening to the silence.

If I do put it in perspective, I love being both floating and swimming in the air of the fantasy world I create for myself and at chaos and constant fight with everything I do. But I give so much of myself to something it kills me when it doesn't come out how I wanted. Or that I stress and push myself so much I go beyond my limit and fall off a cliff and land face down. I wish I could find the real perfect balance. I don't ask to always be happy, but I really don't want to feel this way any more.

Any of you who read this will probably think I am the most melodramatic person you've seen. And I am, but I feel that with a reason. I don't know, I'm trying to live with the fact that every lovely moment is fleeting, and, essentially, fleeing away from me, as I do not know how to enjoy them to their fullest.

x

2 comments:

  1. blanca (bblaire)2 December 2011 at 21:53

    as it comes it goes. maybe sometimes we are not able to see it clearly enough, but it does. i sooooo understand the way you feel. and it's shit most of the time to be like if there were two different people in just one body, fighting between each other to take the control. don't think about yourself as like everyone else because we all are different and it's only inside of ourselves that we can choose what to do. it's necessary to try hundreds of times and fail most of them to get epic things. and, what is even more important it to be happy doing whatever you're doing. someone wise i know told be something like it's more important to enjoy doing something than get to be someone. as long as you enjoy and get the best of everything you do in your life, it will worth it. even if the rest of the world can't appreciate it or dislike it. others may will love it.

    of all the things you've just talked about yourself, you haven't said that you are strong enough to accept the way you are, so chaotic, bipolar and stuff and that's something to admire. the know oneself, in all ways and accept it is the first step to take the best of every little piece of yourself and start to make it even better.

    keep on trying, fighting, enjoying, breathing, creating and, just, living, not only surviving ;)

    (mi ingles no es que sea de categoria, pero como habias escrito tu en ingles... ;))

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