Lately life has been nice and stressful and filled with good things but also moments of a lot of anxiety. It's always kind of like that, balanced, in a way. But the anxiety weighs more that anything else. When they say "What is heavier, a liter of water or a liter of oil?" and you're supposed to answer "They weigh the same! One liter!" I don't believe it. What weighs more, an hour of blinding anxiety or an hour of happy complacency with the world? Trust me, anxiety weighs more. Happy moments are an appreciated break after the bad ones, but they don't fix too much. But hey, you kind of feel this pride in having survived a panic attack, or a really bad day. You're alive, right? That's what I hold on to. Not drowning. Optimism isn't for irrational people, it's for people who really don't want to drown.
So, not so long ago I had a conversation with someone who decidedly told me that pessimism is for reasonable people. When confronted with this, at first I felt a little bit offended because I believe quite the opposite, but then I realized that people deal with their daily problems in different ways, so maybe looking at your life like a black hole you want to crawl into will make the good moments especially refreshing and beautiful. However, having no expectations of life, while potentially seeming a simpler way to deal with certain aspects of it, can turn on you and instead leave you with a lack of will and excitement that can make you the most unhappy person in the world. I've always had my moments of darkness and pessimism, and it's impossibly hard to let go of them, they're so attractive and easy to feel - pain, sadness, disenchantment, anger... selfishness. What's really commendable is climbing out. So I'll keep turning back to positivity and optimism when I fall in the black hole, no matter how hard it is. I read somewhere most of the time we feel angry, sad or anxious over mere thoughts, which exist only in your head. Isn't it strange? We sometimes let all of these moments and ideas control our minds and our lives when you're the one forcing them upon yourself?
I guess life is just one big fight against yourself, to learn how to think better and love better and to lose the egoism which is falling into your sadness with no intention of coming back out. You will probably fall every so often, but I guess trying to come out is a choice, an optimistic one, and a commendable one, no matter what the outcome is.
I don't know why I wrote this but I guess there must be a reason if I did. Just try to be happy.
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