You are your legacy

What has life been like lately? My bland attempts at cataloging my work and experiences have resulted in my trying merely to "remember" certain events, occurrences, and emotions that I've lived through as of late. It's obviously not what I intended. When I consistently and frequently record things I've done, read, listened to, and watched, I feel really productive and it usually turns out to be an inspiring and motivating experience. But doing things frequently, or even consistently, feels like such an obligation that I end up not acting on it. But if it's so beneficial?!?!?! Why wouldn't I WANT to do it?!?! Consistency is so hard. And yet I KNOW that it's the basis for any kind of success I wish to attain. 

But today I started looking back at the various methods of cataloguing that I DO keep updated, simply because they are truly easy to do so and also don't require much depth or effort on my part. Those tend to be Goodreads, which I obsessively update because I love keeping track of whatever it is I am reading (false sense of productivity, to be perfectly honest); Instagram, especially so since I began the #100happydays challenge, which I'm almost done with (this is a true test to my consistency abilities, and proves I CAN be consistent - haven't missed a day); and, finally, although less thoroughly, I've been keeping up with Pinterest, because it allows me to organize absolutely ANYTHING I want to, and speaks really closely to the perfectionist in me. So I guess I can be consistent, no? This should be enough proof. And yet, I realize that none of these things are really meaningful, in the way I'd like them to be.

I wish for more tactile experiences, sentimental and hands-on creative processes that take time and effort which allow me to value my work in relation to my life more. Outside of school and classwork, my own work is limited to birthday gifts for people and terrible doodles in scraps of paper. I wish I would force myself outside of the technological and, while useful, limiting world I've fallen into. I guess it's as easy as starting. But that's kind of the worst part - starting. Nothing's scarier for me than failure, hard work and time spent completely wasted on unsuccessful projects… I guess just the idea of doing something less than perfect makes me unable to proceed, and I wish that weren't the case.

Today, I went through my Youtube 'Favorites' playlist, which features an array of beautiful, meaningful, and tearjerking songs. They do catalogue my life at different times and I like to come back to it every so often to feel the pangs of emotion that come with remembering. Music is the best way to feel nostalgia, isn't it? You don't have to force your eyes to look at or read something, you can lie down and be in complete darkness, and still the emotions would be as strong as they were at that moment. And that playlist was the one that triggered all of this, and that reminded me of the necessity of cataloguing. Nostalgia IS useful, beautiful, introspective and an amazing creative outlet, despite the dangers of becoming "addicted to it". But, if the promise of future wonderful nostalgia is enough to puss me to catalogue and work, for MYSELF, that's enough. We all want to have a leave a legacy, even if it's for our future selves… even if it's for the dirt that will swallow it. Having a legacy isn't entirely about the person who finds it, but about the magnificent discharge of emotions which occurs in the process of creating it. 

Don't Drown

Photo credit: Aliza Razell

Lately life has been nice and stressful and filled with good things but also moments of a lot of anxiety. It's always kind of like that, balanced, in a way. But the anxiety weighs more that anything else. When they say "What is heavier, a liter of water or a liter of oil?" and you're supposed to answer "They weigh the same! One liter!" I don't believe it. What weighs more, an hour of blinding anxiety or an hour of happy complacency with the world? Trust me, anxiety weighs more. Happy moments are an appreciated break after the bad ones, but they don't fix too much. But hey, you kind of feel this pride in having survived a panic attack, or a really bad day. You're alive, right? That's what I hold on to. Not drowning. Optimism isn't for irrational people, it's for people who really don't want to drown.

Photo credit: Aliza Razell

So, not so long ago I had a conversation with someone who decidedly told me that pessimism is for reasonable people. When confronted with this, at first I felt a little bit offended because I believe quite the opposite, but then I realized that people deal with their daily problems in different ways, so maybe looking at your life like a black hole you want to crawl into will make the good moments especially refreshing and beautiful. However, having no expectations of life, while potentially seeming a simpler way to deal with certain aspects of it, can turn on you and instead leave you with a lack of will and excitement that can make you the most unhappy person in the world. I've always had my moments of darkness and pessimism, and it's impossibly hard to let go of them, they're so attractive and easy to feel - pain, sadness, disenchantment, anger... selfishness. What's really commendable is climbing out. So I'll keep turning back to positivity and optimism when I fall in the black hole, no matter how hard it is. I read somewhere most of the time we feel angry, sad or anxious over mere thoughts, which exist only in your head. Isn't it strange? We sometimes let all of these moments and ideas control our minds and our lives when you're the one forcing them upon yourself?

I guess life is just one big fight against yourself, to learn how to think better and love better and to lose the egoism which is falling into your sadness with no intention of coming back out. You will probably fall every so often, but I guess trying to come out is a choice, an optimistic one, and a commendable one, no matter what the outcome is.

I don't know why I wrote this but I guess there must be a reason if I did. Just try to be happy.

things from last month

BYE xx

Thoughts.

I don't really know what to say lately, on here. So I won't say much. xx

Blood Bank

These two are the only things I've had on my mind today. They're getting me through writing a tortuous project I have six hours to finish. They make me really happy in a calm, melancholic way. Hope you have/had a wonderful day.

xx

Weekend Soundtrack

Lykke Li - Melodies and Desires

Daughter - Smother

Bon Iver - Wash.

It's cloudy and rainy today and I'm very contemplative. This music keeps me in trance.

xx

Inspiration Saturday

As probably a few of you know, I'm in the process of making a 'film', which is more like an existential experiment in which really wonderful people from my life appear and who let me direct them in my weird stories. I can't lie. This is actually the most interesting thing happening in my life right now. I started thinking that the fact I'm so involved with this might be a response to an overwhelming sadness and unmotivation which has been sleepily creeping on me. But then I decided that it doesn't matter what this might be a response to, because all I really know is that I get so much joy in creating things only for myself. I then leave you here with a few of the sources of inspiration for this project that I have handily around the house. They are my favorite things to come back to. They make perfect before-bed stories, too. Whether it be dreaming of mythological monsters, of having a beautiful soundtrack to your life, or sitting under perfect lighting, all these elements of my life make me pensive and peaceful and wondrous.

From the valley to the stars

This song reminds me of not so long ago, when I first heard it and I lived, for a week, blissfully enchanted by it's lightness and simplicity. It literally has six words as lyrics. But it's beautiful. Now, the bliss I feel when hearing this song is merely a memory of that. It's the worst and most amazing feeling, when you fall in and out of love with a song. When you discover it and it overwhelms you, throwing your sanity out the window for the period of time you are constantly repeating the song, you literally are a purer version of yourself, enchanted by something as sublime as a song that touches your heart. When you grow out of it, it becomes a part of you, a limb, and it's useless until you need it, and when you do, it's there with you, and that security and peace you feel when you remember that is also overwhelming.

I think it was this song the one that sparked the idea. I am starting a project which I'm very excited about. It's a personal one, parallel to schoolwork but I guess also related? Video is probably my favorite means of expression, and I'm not really good at it, but I do feel like I want to be, so practicing with concepts I love I think will help me evolve... It'll be completely amateur but with a cast formed by some of my best friends from uni, who have graciously accepted to be featured in it. I don't want to give a lot away because there's a lot to consider, but it will be a film based on 10 different characters who are connected only in the way they feel about life and death. They'll be ten different parallel stories which will be tailored to each of my friends. I'm actually interviewing them tomorrow, and recording it for a kind of 'Behind-the-scenes', to create completely unique characters with their essence. If it all works out I will be involving myself in making an actual video of MYSELF (so outrageous) to explain the concept, because it's one I've had on my mind for a long time.

Just so you get an idea, the aesthetics which will probably feature in it will border on what I like to call 'sepulcral, subtle, semi-gore', which in my head is a mixture of The Shining by Kubrick and Lost in Translation and The Virgin Suicides by Sofia Coppola (three of my favorite films right there hehe).

I don't want to bore you with my incoherent thoughts about this any longer, but I'm very excited! If you want to see any of my other videos you can check My Youtube Channel, and I'll leave you with the first one I made last year, one of my favorites.

<3 xx

Radiohead

This felt relevant.

Radiohead is one of my favourite bands. But I can’t listen to it for too long because I’ll go crazy. Melancholic, nostalgic, drowning in incomprehension. There’s so much that I love about these feelings. Lying on my back on the floor, on the bed, listening to ‘Fog’ or ‘Nude’ or ‘Idioteque’, and being transported to a mechanical world where everything is metal and there is no sunlight and the air tastes like blood. There is so much I adore, and need to be transported to this world where the sound is a constant hum of a factory and no humans are to be seen. This ghost world of nothingness, and complete and utter industrialization, so to speak, is as appealing as the ever glamorised balcony overlooking the Eiffel Tower, as appealing as the idea of walking in New York, never looking down. Every one of those things is appealing to a different side of me and is accompanied by a soundtrack, and every song is as essential to my being as the last. But… but. Nothing compares to a world that doesn’t exist. Walking around my neighbourhood at 5am is the closest I’ll get. There’s no light, not a person in sight. There will be a light noise of a car passing by somewhere or the wind making a tree wobble. There is nothing like walking through lonely streets immersed in a world played by Radiohead. Life turns grey and blue and electronic and pure but not of this world.

I can’t listen to Radiohead for too long because I long for this world I created when I heard ‘Paranoid Android’ for the first time. And it has never left me, this longing. And I never am fully there, which is exhausting, frustrating and yet strangely relieving.

New things!

Today I bought make-up! I love it. I have a headache so forgive me for my short lines. Although... maybe it bothers you I over-explain things all the time and write run-on sentences and such. Which I am doing... right now. Anywho, I bought the 'Naked' palette by Urban Decay (40€) which I've been dying to buy, and a brush from Sephora (13€) and then I went to H&M and got make-up there too, because I'm all for Tha Kualityy. Oh, it's a blush. It's a coral-y pink. I like it. Here are some pictures!

Apart from that, it has been a long week and I am tired as fuck because I had an exam today and eegh. I just want to sleep for more than 4 hours today so I can be happy ^_^. Other than that my thoughts today revolve around the fact that I really want to play the accordeon, that the MacBook keyboard is so much lovelier than any other keyboard and... that... I like this girl's style.

And this version of Cosmic Love. <3

x Have a lovely weekend, you wonderful beings

You know I hate talking on telephones

Lately I've been feeling strange. Perhaps it's the fact I've been away from school for over a week and I'm just a little disconnected. I believe I've always been an artist at heart. I am no business woman, I do not believe I'm cunning or to have a sharp eye for getting ahead in the world. I seem to let the world carry me along with it. I've been less and less inspired by the fashion industry. I feel like I've nothing to do there, like I wouldn't fit in...

However, I have come to a conclusion. I need to find my own pace. I have to find my light, you could say. Right now I feel completely flustered and pressured and suddenly very scared for the future I may or may not have. But when the moment comes, and the light shines into my room really nicely, I feel quite happy and confident I've chosen the right way. But I also believe in the process of things, and the beauty in them, so I guess I'll just have to make mine really worthwhile so I can feel happy with myself. I don't know.

It's been good lately. I have been obsessing over a few things. Shall I show you my favorites? Let us proceed:

• Sunlight between the clouds. 

View from my room. Taken with Instagram. 

• Pink hair

• White-Blonde hair

• Zooey Deschanel

• Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice

• The Kooks. They remind me of another time in my life, when I was... younger? I feel so old saying that. But yes, I was younger. More innocent, perhaps, but not much more. It's strange how much can be remembered by a song. It's really fucking unreal. 

That is all, my long (un)necessary rant. My favorites of the week. My reflection on the most reflective moment of the day. Yup.

ALSO! Today was my sister's birthday. She's the most beautiful and most amazing human being on this entire universe. She is so wonderful. Happy 15, Marta! I love you.

Hoodies and tea.

Visual Representation of how I feel today. ^^

Hi. It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm possibly the least reliable person ever for these sort of things, I'll have my constant moments and then float away with no good reason. It's happened with the blog, but, alas, I am back! How have you been? How's 2012 been so far for you? For me, it's been quite nice, quite tranquil, a lot of time to think, and not enough time to be sad yet.

As a first notice, I had an interview done by the gorgeous, lovely, amazing Marina which you can see on her amazing blog. It was really interesting because I liked doing it quite a lot, it was a great opportunity to open myself up for the questions she posed, which are things that always roam my mind and it was good to deliver them concisely. Apart from that, this last week was Mercedes-Benz Madrid Fashion Week, and I was lucky enough to attend! I was only able to go once because I got sick, but it was a wonderful day, I'll expand on that soon enough, I promise.

Fashion-wise, there are news. I have acquired the best shoes to exist. Ever. And they were 20€ at H&M. Wonderful. Here, take a look at this really low-quality photo (I'm afraid I can't take a better one right now):

They're from the Trish Summerville for H&M collection based around the movie "The Dragon Tattoo" ('Los hombres que no amaban a las mujeres'). Thank God the collection wasn't too popular in Spain and these lovelies were half-price in such short notice. So happy. They're the MOST COMFORTABLE (comfortablest?) boots I've ever worn! 

I've also gone back to being interested in one of my favorite things as a young teen. Zip-up hoodies. They were my life. In my more emo-ish days, my black sweaters were my saviours. I had like 10 and I've been left with two, weirdly enough. My favorite one is a random one from Benetton and it's black and just super simple. I'll show you guys soon. Here are a bunch of photos depicting my re-discovered love for these staples. They're so comfy and casual and laid-back... so much what I need right now.

I like hoods. 

I like the idea of it being rainy and wearing hoods just to protect your head. They're so mysterious and versatile and lovely... In this awfully cold week we're getting here I'm going to wear hoodie sweaters like a mad woman.

Also, this happened to me yesterday, just like in 'New Girl', and I thought it was lovely. YOU MUST WATCH THIS SHOW IT IS AMAZING. 

And lastly, been obsessed with this song. It makes me want to drink tea on a porch and smoke and watch the sun rise and... yup. Wanna join me? I don't have a porch though, my balcony will have to do the trick. 

Lots of love xx C

Blindsided

It's difficult, amidst all the chaos that sometimes surrounds one's life, to put things in perspective and order your thoughts accordingly. I am a mess. I swear to the Gods that my bipolarity is real, but mostly because I always have hope the world loves me and it lets me down, time and time again. In truth, I let down myself. I am afraid I am mediocre at almost everything. I used to stand out in the crowd because the crowd I was surrounded by was different to me. I've always been different. And now, I feel like I am just like everyone else, except stuck in the black hole in which I live, where I get mentally blocked when I feel stress creeping into my body, where I feel insane because I cannot believe I am so forgetful.

I lose everything. You know that phrase "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"? Well, apart from missing my Blackberry, iPod, my other iPod, phone, wallet, concert ticket etc, I do miss my mind the most. When did I become so fucking depressive and happy at the same time? I'm a different person when the day starts than when it ends. I end my day terrified of what is going to happen inside of me tomorrow, when will I feel happy, when will I have to pretend I'm happy, and when will I won't be able to do anything but wallow in my unhappiness?

I am the biggest drama queen there exists. I make a world out of nothing. But that is exactly my problem. I am so exaggerated when something goes wrong the cracked pillars upon which my mind is assented break into a thousand pieces. My whole life deserves Bon Iver in the background, for good an for bad. My life is as melancholic and cloudy and as light-hearted and free as any song of theirs. I am both at peace and in the eye of the storm. Peace is my favourite word, one I cannot live without because it holds such deep, profound meaning for me that the mere thought of the word and what it conveys in my heart makes me feel better. I wish I was always at peace, alas, unfortunately, I am the perfect (or imperfect?) balance between chaos and the feeling of floating in the air in the middle of the night listening to the silence.

If I do put it in perspective, I love being both floating and swimming in the air of the fantasy world I create for myself and at chaos and constant fight with everything I do. But I give so much of myself to something it kills me when it doesn't come out how I wanted. Or that I stress and push myself so much I go beyond my limit and fall off a cliff and land face down. I wish I could find the real perfect balance. I don't ask to always be happy, but I really don't want to feel this way any more.

Any of you who read this will probably think I am the most melodramatic person you've seen. And I am, but I feel that with a reason. I don't know, I'm trying to live with the fact that every lovely moment is fleeting, and, essentially, fleeing away from me, as I do not know how to enjoy them to their fullest.

x

House

La casa de Marina en Valencia era maravillosa. En cuanto pueda quiero que volvamos, porque me encantó. Cuando tenga algunas fotos que hice, os las enseño, porque era genial. Mientras tanto, escuchad esta canción de Patrick Wolf que es fantástica y, además, va vestido de McQueen.

Mua x